I often marvel at how events that seem so heavy at the time are sometimes just a gentle tool in the hand of God.
This was a rough week at the end of a trying academic year. Staying open was so good for our boys, and I’m truly thankful, but it’s come at a cost. There’s a collective exhaustion, a heightened reactivity, a general frustration at the very protocols that have gifted us safety. Living together on a closed campus as we do, it’s not easy to hide our vulnerabilities.
Things take on added weight.
Immersed as I was in the hard, I wasn’t thinking about my son’s next birthday, his would-be-27th.
He’s everywhere, of course; I can’t walk down the hall without seeing him.
Little him and big him, smiling him and still him.
It was estimated that there were 600 people at my son’s memorial service.
Maybe you were one of them.
I’ve taken to praying for the 600 every morning. They are precious to me, like the pearl of great price:
Later that day, Jesus left the house and sat by the lakeshore to teach the people. He taught them many things by using stories, parables to illustrate spiritual truths, saying:
Heaven’s kingdom realm is like a jewel merchant in search of rare pearls. When he discovered one very precious and exquisite pearl, he immediately gave up all he had in exchange for it.Matthew 13
I cannot say for sure, but perhaps that’s the exchange.
I didn’t expect to find myself once again this March huddled in a tent on the Florida Trail, listening to big-somethings crashing through the night on the other side, but, once again, Covid interrupts in ways none of us foresee.
When the virus hits our school, opening a brief window of opportunity, I do some counting. Are there days enough to drive 1,400 miles, hike a 160-mile section, then drive 1,400 miles back? Enough to quarantine for 2 weeks before I must return to work?
If I walk fast enough.
Walking fast was not a problem on the previous two sections I had hiked in 2019 and 2020. The trail between the northern terminus at Fort Pickens National Seashore and Blountstown was sandy, dry, and gloriously, ludicrously flat. One only slowed to marvel at a cypress knee or the surprise greening of a freshly sooted controlled burn.
I had heard of the soggy sections south of Blountstown – the Bradwell Bay Wilderness, Apalachicola, the Aucilla Sinks – but had no frame of reference to comprehend the magnitude of what was ahead.
It wasn’t until the end of my first half day of dirt-road-walking, where even the swamp dwellers seemed happy and dry, that I realized my miscalculation.
To be fair, Florida had been experiencing a heavy load of rain over the weeks previous, so perhaps the swamps might have been, in other years, merely ankle deep.
Or perhaps the trail sections now ankle-deep in mud might have been, in other years, just a thin patina.
No matter. The trail is what the trail is on the day you choose to hike it, so hike it as it is you must.
I suppose I should be grateful for that first half day of dry; it marked the end of dry-anything for the rest of the week.
When I came to end of that first half day, it had gotten dark and I was navigating by headlamp and Guthook. The app told me that I was .1 from the tent sight I had been shooting for, but the trail ahead disappeared into a vast expanse of murky water. I shone my beam as far as I could, but there was no way to tell how far the water stretched, nor how deep it was. One thing was certain: I was not going to try to find out that night.
Unpacking my stuff and setting up my tent right on the trail, I wondered if any other hikers might happen by. Though unlikely, I thought they could walk around. Nothing to see here – just a deep dark swamp with suspicious splashing. As you were.
Turns out this was just the first in an endless cascade of varying types of water features through which the trail slopped.
There were the sinks – eroded craters set in limestone where the Aucilla River flowed, disappearing underneath your very feet only to reappear a half mile up ahead in a different hole.
There were deep gullies v’ed with water, steeply banked on either side; in one attempt to leap across, I miscalculate and am shredded by a nasty saw palmetto.
There were levees, spillways, streams, flooded jeep tracks, the ever present swamps, rain, and even the St. Mary’s River, where hikers have to call a marina on the other side to be shuttled across.
It was no use trying to stay dry.
If the miles were to be hiked, there was only through. At times, my battered feet even enjoyed the soothing wet, though every morning was a struggle to wedge them back into cold, sandy shoes.
Later, when I get home, it takes multiple soaks before I trust my socks to the washer.
They’ll never be the same.
This year, I am fortunate to run into a few thru-hikers and even hike some miles with them.
The Florida Trail is not one of the more popular of America’s long distance trails (see previous section), but it seems to be gaining in stature, particularly during Covid, when other types of travel are restricted.
It is impossible to stay on pace with them – they’ve hiked over 750 miles and I’m just out for the week – though I spend one morning chatting companionably with two young guns who, when they hear what I do for a living, ask, “Do they know their teacher is a bada**?”
Of course, I could not have completed this section without the help of some amazingly generous friends and trail angels. Wilton, who supports hikers through the Altha Hillcrest Baptist Church, drives me the 160 miles to my starting point and keeps an eye on my car for the week. Talking theology with him is always a treat.
I meet Mr. Tom at Porter Lake Campsite after I mistakenly bushwack a two mile section that apparently had been closed due to a property owner dispute.
I’m in an grumpy mood, scratched and bloody from the fight, but he offers me an orange. I put it in my pack, where, like a pearl, it shimmers all day, the thought of it enticing me forward. I eat it as a reward, later, for dinner.
Steps, a thru hiker I meet last year, offers to walk the longest swamp with me, but I elect instead to do the high water bypass. When you have to pull yourself across the first water crossing in a boat on a rope, perhaps it’s just not the year to attempt Bradwell Bay. Walking Fire Road 329 instead, I see a truck bumping up the track and out he hops with a cold Gatorade and a Subway sandwich. We catch up in the shade, talking trail and hikers we know.
No trip to Florida would be complete without visiting with my friend Nancy, who helps hikers on the Panhandle. I’m down to dregs in both food and water, ready to be back in civilization.
After 10 miles of marshy Apalachicola and another 7 of road walk, I’m so blessed to have her take my pack so I can finish the last 8 miles into Blountstown, thus connecting the dots from where I left off last year.
Frisky as a calf, I run the first 4.
Riding together back to my car, I am happy to share my last miles with Nancy. As with the trail, gap and distance make reunion all the sweeter.
When You Pass Through the Waters
Hiking the Florida Trail this year was a surprise treat; despite the challenges, I am grateful that the timing worked out.
I got to see my first alligator.
It’s close enough yet far enough away, if you know what I mean.
And perhaps because it was cool and rainy much of the week, the only snake I see is on a paved path.
A tentative poke to the tip of his tail confirms what I suspected: this fellow wasn’t going to bite anyone ever again.
Safe at home again, I realize that the prayer my besty gave me for this section has worked. I had whispered it under my breath, pleaded it through clenched teeth, sang it when my feet were finally firm beneath me:
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. Isaiah 43:1-2
I was in the woods last March when Covid hit. The year ahead was a dark swamp, and we, unable to peer through to what lay on the other side, had to stop, hunker down, wait.
There were no maps we could rely on – only the One who sees the end from the beginning and is with us in the waters.
So we walk on, confident that we will see the other side.
I caught a most noble mouse the other day in a sticky-trap hidden under the radiator in my kitchen.
He reminded me of Reepicheep – the most valiant of all the Talking Beasts of Narnia, and the Chief Mouse…[who had] won undying glory in the Second Battle of Beruna (C. S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader).
This mouse, my mouse, back legs immobilized by the pad, had managed to drag himself and trap by his forepaws across the expanse of the kitchen. When I turned the light on that morning, he lifted up his tiny whiskered face and met my gaze with courageous defiance. He continued to struggle and squirm even as I carried him to the bathroom and, with some regret, tried to plunge him into a watery grave.
It didn’t end there.
Dark-eyed with fury, Mr. Mighty Mouse pawed and paddled to keep his snout afloat until, unable to take it anymore, I was forced to press him under with the butt of a candle. This battle left me disquieted, sad.
What price to pay for a pellet-free stovetop, a counter unsullied by mousy feet.
And yet, a lesson for us (for me, if I’m being honest here) in this time and season, this year of horrors and setbacks and pains. Has there ever been a time in recent history when not a one of us cannot claim some loss? To feel as if no matter how hard we grapple, we cannot free our legs from the snare, cannot run or breathe or swim?
It would be all-too-easy to allow ourselves to spiral into discouragement, anger, or blame. To not see this season as only that – a season, which, like others before it, will pass away.
King Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes: To everything there is a season,a time for every purpose under heaven…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.
Tempting though it would be to assume the laughing-dancing-time will never come, are we not now in the perfect season to remember that other season, 2,000 years ago, when God, silent for half a millenia, determined that the fullness of time had come?
When startled shepherds quailed as glory descended humbly wrapped in a chubby-cheeked Kinsman-Redeemer?
All throughout the Old Testament, the message had resounded: The King is coming!
And all throughout the New, the Promise echoes: The King is coming!
The verb tense reflects an already-not yet-always. For a God who calls Himself I AM, it makes sense: I was. Now I am. Forever I will be.
This is really, really good news. We are not bound by time, because he is not bound by time. Yes, there are seasons that come and go, but the span, the measure of God’s kingdom will always be.
From the Old Testament, Jesus proclaimed through Isaiah : Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
From the New, Jesus announces his arrival in that same prophet’s words, adding: Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.
God promised a Savior: He came. God promises a return: we wait.
Today, however, right now, our season is changing. Past-dwelling should not be our practice.
To dwell means to think on, speak, or write at length on a particular subject, especially one that is a source of unhappiness, anxiety or dissatisfaction. For many, this describes 2020 perfectly; for me, perhaps all of the last decade. But going there – remembering past pains, rehearsing wrongs, thinking up pithy retorts for old stings – what good is that? It only serves to anchor us in the long-wheeled ruts of regret and betrayal and shame.
The new-springing-thing is on its way! His kingdom is steadily advancing, taking ground, preparing for His return.
Reepicheep felt this as the Dawn Treader was pulled along in the current of Aslan’s eternal purpose.
Lewis writes: No one in that boat doubted that they were seeing beyond the End of the World.
“This,” said Reepicheep, “is where I go on alone.” …he bade them good-bye for their sakes; but he was quivering with happiness…my belief is that he came safe to Aslan’s country and is alive there to this day.
Reepicheep, noble mouse, does not die when his coracle vanishes into the waves. Nor will we, if we look to the One, born for a season, who opened the way for us, for our own eternal season that never ends.
Until then, we keep dragging that trap across the floor, keep looking defiantly into the face of our giant. Struggle. Swim.
The end is not the end; it is only the most glorious of beginnings.
My prayer for all of us this season is this:
Now may God, the inspiration and fountain of hope, fill you to overflowing with uncontainable joy and perfect peace as you trust in him. And may the power of the Holy Spirit continually surround your life with his super-abundance until you radiate with hope! (Romans 15:13)
Between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, between creation and atonement, we sit, contemplating our wrongs.
I wander at the end of a very-long-day-not-yet-over, wondering about offense.
How is that we are so easily offended? And why is so hard to forgive?
A colleague on Zoom tells me something about my son, a silly little thing, that I never knew. Apparently, he loved stuffed breadsticks and once ate 12 of them and nothing else for dinner at the school he loved. The school I love. My friend was so kind to share this with me, a new nugget, and it made me smile.
On days like today, I could use his sweet embrace that often did nothing to change a thing, but somehow, still, made it all better.
Don’t worry about that, Momma, he would say. It will all turn out alright.
I’ve forgiven him for dying, of course, for driving drunk and leaving us all behind. I’m grateful on days like today that this is not my forever home, any more than it was his.
In a cemetery at sunset, I sit on a tiny child’s bench, flaked by time, and lament.
Isn’t that the point of the Days of Awe? To ruthlessly examine our flaws and offer them up to God? Ever patient, He tenderly squeezes our hearts until, squirming, we no longer seek to justify our imperfections or hold others’ against them.
It’s okay, my daughter, He whispers. I’ve taken care of that.
I finally got around to watching the Downton Abbey film this week. It was like stepping back in time, but not in the way you might think.
While the lauded series chronicled the life of the fictional Crawley family in and around World War I, watching the 2019 movie brought me back not to early 1900’s England, but to a dark period earlier this decade when my life’s threads were progressively unraveling.
During THAT TIME, forsaken and alone, I sat riveted to PBS every Sunday night as people who never existed became so real to me that I could not help but care as they married, gave birth, bickered, died.
I loved the Crawleys and their sassy servants; they distracted my own heart from its welted pain, gave me license to laugh or weep, and kept my chin above water just long enough to take a breath before I went under again until the next week rolled around.
Is that not the power of story?
The good news is that spending time again with the Countess Dowager and Mary and Anna and Tom helped me to realize how far I have actually come since THAT TIME.
God’s story in my life, our story, is nothing if not a page-turner.
It’s not a typical story, with a beginning and an end; timeless as God, my story with him stretches as far back as my pre-created self —
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:15-16)
— weaves through the times that I might prefer to forget —
“Because she loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue her; I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name. She will call on me, and I will answer her; I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honor her. With long life I will satisfy her and show her my salvation”(Psalm 91: 14-16)
— sustains me as I soldier on into evening —
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you(Isaiah 46:4)
— and reassures me that though there are many, many chapters ahead, not one of them will be the final one —
My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand (John 10:27-28)
So as I watched the Crawleys debate the future of Downton Abbey – their highly predictable way of life, progress, how things change – I wasn’t sad anymore. I didn’t need to wait for the next week; the series is over, and that chapter closed.
Overcoming is as simple as taking the next step forward in trust; and though simple is simple, it’s not always easy.
How could it be?
What kind of story would it be if not for the heroes and villains, plot twists and conflicts, romance and battles and birthing and pain?
Yet, the promise is for us all who put our hope in Him:
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go…I will never leave you nor forsake you (Joshua 1:9,5)
One of my daily liturgies is to open an email from BibleGateway to see what God might be saying for the day.
Today, on the 4th anniversary of Gordie’s home-going, I am surprised-but-not-surprised to find that God was thinking of me and wanted me to know.
Today I read:
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (Romans 12:15)
With all that God has going on in the world – pandemic, stife, poverty, riots – how is it that he could remember today, sit with me awhile, lift the heaviness from my heart?
There is a story that always gets to me, as it reveals that no matter how much we might feel we are forgotten or overlooked – God is always there, willing to identify with us.
Shortly afterward, Jesus left on a journey for the village of Nain, with a massive crowd of people following him, along with his disciples. As he approached the village, he met a multitude of people in a funeral procession, who were mourning as they carried the body of a young man to the cemetery. The boy was his mother’s only son and she was a widow. When the Lord saw the grieving mother, his heart broke for her. With great tenderness he said to her, “Please don’t cry.”
Please don’t cry.
Jesus, doesn’t this passage imply that you were crying?
For clearly it says His heart broke for her.
Just like when your friend Lazarus died, and you knew – you knew, just like you knew here, with this son – that you were not going to allow him to stay dead – even then, you wept?
Was it because, in that moment, you could see not only this widow’s grief, but all the future griefs of this world – all the deaths that were to come, all the future mothers and brothers and sisters and friends who would mourn as they carry their loved ones to the grave?
Could you already see mine?
Then he stepped up to the coffin and touched it. When the pallbearers came to a halt, Jesus said to the corpse, “Young man, I say to you, arise and live!”
Immediately, the young man moved, sat up, and spoke to those nearby. Jesus presented the son to his mother, alive! A tremendous sense of holy mystery swept over the crowd as they witnessed this miracle of resurrection. (Luke 7:11-16)
That is what we need to remember.
Although the immediately for my son looked much different than the widow’s – just as it may be for the thousands and thousands that will die today, and tomorrow and the tomorrow after that – we can trust that our Abba-Father is infinitely willing to identify with the tender and particular of both our mourning and rejoicing.
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.So don’t be afraid – please don’t cry – you are worth more than many sparrows. (Matthew 10:29-31)
Like delicate china, I’ve stored the echo of my son carefully wrapped in the back of a cupboard: close enough by, but not so near at hand as for daily use.
I can manage it better that way.
Take it out on my terms, when I’m good and girded and able to handle the fallout from it, because, well, you just never know where it’s gonna go.
Giving grief its time and space is vital and healthy, but there are instants when it finds you unsuspecting – naked & exposed – and justlikethat you are back on that day, that couch, that lonely Planet Pain.
Today, I was just looking to get outside. The mountains are closed, so I thought I’d take a road walk, look at spring, watch the water sparkle, get away from the screens and the COVID for a while.
I wasn’t really even listening, the sky so sweet and blue, when through the earbuds came a song I’d never heard before, a line: Are you singing with the angels,are you happy where you are?
Then it hit me. TobyMac. Lost his son, just this past October.
One thing was certain – I couldn’t stay on the road. Had to escape. Not expecting that, no I was not.
This month, Gordie would have turned 26.
April 24, his April 24, was a very good day in a month when lots of very bad things seem to happen. The Boston Marathon bombing. The Humboldt bus crash. Columbine, Chernobyl, the Titanic, the fire at Notre Dame.
Of course, I knew it was coming, this frozen birthday of his; of course, I was already preparing.
So when TobyMac began crushing my heart with Why would You give and then take him away and 21 years makes a man full-grown, 21 years, what a beautiful loan, I tucked in fast to the trees and wondered how it was that April had already arrived, before I was fully ready.
Nothing to do now but let it come: all those lost years flooding out of my face until I found myself literally lost in the woods.
Where did all those signs come from? And how was it that I never noticed them before?
Around and around I went in my head, feet looping the paths, up and down and around obstacles, until I forgot which way was out and had to pull out a map on my phone.
Are you happy where you are?
Where was I, exactly?
A place where life was bursting out of dormant shells and the ground itself was weeping.
Lost for a moment, but believing in a way out.
It’s not possible to outwalk heartache here on Planet Pain, but we have this hope.
Isaiah, that cranky prophet, tells us so.
Of Jesus, he writes:
He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tearsfrom all faces. (Isaiah 25:8)
Face-wiping seems like blasphemy in this current crazy of sanitizer and masks; it is such an intimate act. I’m puzzled as to why I would even be crying when I finally meet my Lord.
Until then, for what it is worth, here is what I have learned so far in the years following a traumatic event as a student of Grief 101.
Year 1 – Brutal. Be kind to yourself and don’t expect too much.
Year 2 – Brutal, times two. That baseball-bat bruise has changed color, but don’t be fooled: you have push deeper, but the wound still festers. You realize he really is never coming back.
Year 3 – There is light. Some normalcy. When sorrow leaks out, you guard it, carefully. Disbelief resurfaces.
Year 4 – Here is where I find myself. Thinking: how is it that I can now feel joy, laugh and sing and sometimes even forget. Then, an ambush. It’s okay – you know whose you are, and He knows you.
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me… all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139: 1, 16)
All the days.
All my days, all your days, all of my son’s days.
As I head into Year 5, I realize could not have forestalled Gordie’s death any more than I can my own.
But we can trust Jesus, this Man of Sorrows, acquainted with grief.(Isaiah 53:3)
What seems like a lifetime later, I finally pop out of the woods, grateful for grief and the release that follows.
We were talking today in my online church community group about how we are now, in our personal quarantines, a lot like the Apostle Paul, who spent much of his adult life in prison.
If he wasn’t being beaten by rods, stoned, or shipwrecked, you could usually find Paul locked in some dungeon somewhere writing letters to his beloved churches and occasionally being sprung from behind bars by an angelic encounter.
The man certainly led an interesting life.
(Image from Owlcation)
I adore Paul’s writing.
I often pray this passage from Paul’s Letter to the Ephesians over my children:
For this reason I kneel before the Father,from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.(Ephesians 3:14-21)
I like to go back to passages of Paul again and again – Romans 8, 1 Corinthians 13, and one of my favorites, Philippians 4 – and each time that I do, I find new treasure I hadn’t noticed before or a nuance from his words that leads to a deeper understanding of some truth. I know I could do this the rest of my life and never plumb the full depths of his beautiful scripture.
The other day, I was in Ephesians and I came across this:
Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household,built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone.
In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord.And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit. (Ephesians 2:19-22)
The school where I live and work is currently constructing a new center for the arts. It’s a massive project that will result in a massive building which will, in turn, allow us to offer our boys ways to grow and create and expand in ways previously unimagined.
This past fall, when one of the gigantic beams was ready to be raised, everyone in our community gathered around and signed our names on it. For as long as that building stands, a record of us will be tattooed on its bones.
I thought about Paul’s words – that we are members of his household.
Built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets
Christ Jesus is the chief cornerstone, that is, the focal point, the place where the building begins and from whom the building garners its strength.
It’s a structure made up of us, his children, and every one of us is either a brick or a board or a nail or a door – and together we become a holy temple, each of us doing our part to make space for God to live by His Spirit.
I thought about the process of construction.
It’s terribly messy, to be honest: piles of steel and wood and glass, traffic cones and cigarette butts, blowing plastic, canting port-o-potties, trailers and fencing and buckets and mud.
Is that us?
Constantly being added to, adjusted, straightened – wobbly and skeletal, marked by tool and time and trial – relying upon one another floor by floor as we reach toward heaven?
Without that first stone – our Jesus – the building would topple. We would topple.
I am so grateful we have a patient Savior, a kind and loving foreman who doesn’t look at all of our mess and think – that will never amount to anything.
Too many holes. Not enough shingles.
We may be constantly under construction, but even so, we are His holy temple where He has chosen to dwell.
As we bide our time, like Paul, in isolated cells, I pray that we will consider the critical role we play in girding those around us.
Brick by lovely brick, the One who can do immeasurably more than anything we could possibly ask or imagine will shape us into His cherished and enduring edifice.
What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly. ~Thomas Paine
Have you ever been so thirsty that it is nearly impossible to drink?
I didn’t actually think this possible, but this past week, back on the Florida Trail for another spring break, I found myself huddled behind a propane tank display in front of a Dollar General desperate for some relief from the sun and unable to choke down any fluid.
One of the many challenges of the Florida Trail – besides the obvious, like swamps, snakes, and alligators – is the frequency of road walks.
While Florida Trail chapter volunteers try to parcel together more and more sections off the roads and into the woods where a trail belongs, gaining permission from landowners and other entities to allow smelly people to walk across private land is oftentimes problematic.
No matter what time of year one chooses to walk the trail, however – most start at the southern terminus sometime in January – there will be countless stretches along roads, paved and un, exposed to a ceaseless, punishing solar barrage. To say that thirst is one of the side effects of these portions is a wild understatement.
While toiling away on one such section, I made some lists in my sunburnt head.
Benefits of Road Walks
No coyotes howling on the other side of your thin fabric’d tent, oftentimes from the same direction toward which you are about to walk
Strategically positioned convenience stores (like the aforementioned Dollar General I found myself at, two bottles of cold liquids in front of me, too tummy-tied and dehydrated to sip even the tiniest amount)
Hard (but not impossible) to get lost
Guys in pick-ups roaring by while honking and giving you the finger for no apparent reason
Disadvantages of Road Walks
Same view, mile after endless mile
No coyotes: it’s strangely thrilling to hear these magnificent animals yipping and howling OUT THERE while you are burrito’d in a sleeping bag IN HERE. Shivers.) Also, snarly dogs, chained and un, that charge as you cruise by, scaring you out of your very pants
Convenience stores, right on the very trail – where’s the challenge in that? – with the only options for a gluten-free-dairy-free eater being jumbo pickles and Slim Jims. No more Krispy Kremes for this girl. Frowny face. Also, creepy guys in the parking lot who ask where-you-going-honey-I-saw-you-walking-in-Ebro-yesterday?
Loot: not willing to walk by a SINGLE PENNY despite the head rush that follows one of these swipe-and-grab episodes
Getting lost – at almost every intersection, in spite of carrying the Guthook app which basically makes it criminal to ever go off-trail
Flat. And hot. And did I mention no shade? And pavement, which causes massive blisters on the bottom of one’s tender, un-trail-toughen’d feet
Guys in pick-ups roaring by while honking and giving you the finger for decidedly nefarious reasons
Lest you think, dear reader, that the Florida Trail is nothing but a paved paradise, let me assure you of its staggering beauty and never-ending surprises. Here’s one more list.
Good Stuff on the Florida Trail
Soft paths that go on forever
Pines, everywhere, nascent and established
Boardwalks and bridges (especially when alligators are suspected)
Tannin-tinged, sandy-bottomed streams flowing high and cold
Fruit of the many selfless hours spent by trail volunteers clearing away damage from 2018’s Hurricane Michael. There would be no trail without these amazing humans.
Evidence of nature’s incredible resilience
Cypress knees (Haha! Trees with knees – Florida is so weird)
Trail angels, especially Nancy and Wilton, who become instant friends
Other hikers. Shout out to Steps and Flattop, with whom I shared my last stretch of 2020, most of which was on the road. Of course.
Random beauty everywhere
Other weird things, like tires in trees and gnomes in the forest
Sunrises and sunsets
I had planned on walking 100 miles this year on the Florida Trail. I only had five days, and I was eager to get back North to watch the youngest’s lacrosse games, hug the middle guy, and spend some time with The Princess and the grandbabe. While I was in the woods, however, oblivious to what was happening out in the world, a tiny, germ-y threat was snaking its way across the sea and canceling everything everywhere.
They say the darkest hour is just before dawn, and I discovered why this time around.
I suppose I never really noticed before, but it became obvious with the moon full throughout the week: there was always a stretch between moonset and sunrise when all went black.
It was a spooky time, especially when you are trying to wend your way through jumbled swamps, skirting sink holes while looking for the orange blazes that mark the trail by the light of a single headlamp.
Perhaps that is where we are right now.
As this virus rages across our lives, our families, we need to remember it is only the in-between. Like those fire-ravaged pines, we humans are resilient in the face of affliction. There will always be new growth.
We walk through valleys dark, knowing there is a Good Shepherd who has water waiting ahead, a place at the table. We don’t need to be afraid.
When I finally add up the miles I have walked this time around, I find it to be only 98.
Two miles short.
Another time, I might have beat myself up for coming so close.
But there is no need, not now.
There are plenty of miles ahead; this is the time for grace.
I once won a national championship with a baby in my belly.
At the time, I hadn’t known I was pregnant. It was too early for morning sickness and my hockey gear still fit.
In Duluth, Minnesota, there is an arena on the shore of Lake Superior. I drove by it recently, and the memory of that tournament years ago came billowing back: standing shoulder-to-shoulder with my teammates as the national anthem played, sprinting back to the hotel before the championship game because I had forgotten my contacts, skating with a reckless abandon that predated motherhood.
I have been a mother now for going on 27 years; my recent trip through Duluth, past that old rink, and on to Superior, Wisconsin, was to watch a son play the game that I love.
At the time of that tournament, so long ago, it would years before he was born. Now, his oldest sibling, that baby in my belly, has a child of her own.
I cannot shake the nostalgia.
For it was here, on the other side of that great lake, where my family lived for years.
Snow fell there at Halloween and did not stop until Easter, banks piled higher than the cars, roads a treacherous hardpack where snowmobiles raced in the night.
Huge freighters tooted good naturedly to one another as they chugged up the St. Mary’s River, one block from my open window, where I sat nursing my babies or reading them fairy tales.
We would tuck into strollers and roam the Soo Locks, where big ships would pass through on their way to Detroit.
“Look,” I told my little blondie the first time there. “See the boat?”
“Where, Mama?” he asked, puzzled. “What boat?”
His tiny perspective could not behold the wall of steel gliding by, stories high, and judge it “boat.”
I needed to remember, wanted to recapture, those days decades ago on that wild, windy lake.
One baby, two babies, three babies, four.
Tugging those littles in a wagon to the beach, bathing them in a kiddie pool in our driveway upon return; pre-school skates with other mommies, hands laden with toddlers and strollers and snacks; days devoid of mobile phones and college bills and worried weariness.
So much has happened, so much has come and gone.
Why do we ache for the past?
Surely there were troubles then, heartbreak and conflict and pain?
Does my old body long for its former might, my old brain wish to remember only the ease, my old soul believe that there is only more loss ahead?
I looked in the mirror this morning and was startled by the face staring back at me.
When did I get so old?
Recently, I have been waging a war against a diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome; I know it is unlikely I will ever stand again at a blue line and hear the sweet chords of an anthem play. I may never be able to run more than a few miles at a stretch or sleep unperturbed through the night.
Although I am fighting back with diet and determination, the outcome, as all things earthly, is not assured.
Could it be that as I look up at the steel wall of the uncertain years ahead, my perspective needs to change?
Am I – are we – nostalgic not for what is past, with its twisted tableaus and rosy reminiscences, but for what actually awaits?
The apostle Paul had much hope to offer in that regard, for he tells the Corinthian church:
We are convinced that even if these bodies we live in are folded up at death like tents, we will still have a God-built home that no human hands have built, which will last forever in the heavenly realm. We inwardly sigh as we live in these physical “tents,” longing to put on a new body for our life in heaven…So, while living in this “tent,” we groan under its burden, not because we want to die but because we want these new bodies. We crave for all that is mortal to be swallowed up by eternal life. 2 Corinthians 5:1-4
I groan, longing to don this God-framed body like a beautiful dress, silken and soft, aeolian, the color of butter or kittens or foam from the sea.
And this is no empty hope, Paul continues, for God himself is the one who has prepared us for this wonderful destiny. And to confirm this promise, he has given us the Holy Spirit, like an engagement ring, as a guarantee.
That’s why we’re always full of courage. Even while we’re at home in the body, we’re homesick to be with the Master—for we live by faith, not by what we see with our eyes. We live with a joyful confidence, yet at the same time we take delight in the thought of leaving our bodies behind to be at home with the Lord. 2 Corinthians 5:5-8
It’s been a rough decade for many of us.
We cannot possibly know what 2020 holds and beyond, but we can trust the Father, who has told us that of the increase of his government and of peace there will be no end. Isaiah 9:7
Ever expanding, ever enlarging, the eternity ahead tugs at the one nestled in my heart, nostalgic for that great and glorious prize, the promise that has yet to be fulfilled for we who believe.